I want pancakes

I've never been very good at making decisions. I'm too dang thoughtful. If I'm the one to decide where a group of friends should eat, I will run a mental checklist that goes something like this:

* Angela doesn't like ketchup on her hamburgers, so we can't go somewhere that automatically puts ketchup on hamburgers.

* JW isn't much for Asian fare, but...

* Michelle is vegan and Oriental is a good bet for her.

* Brittany keeps suggesting Mexican.

* I like Mexican. It's my favorite. I could really go for a saucy, spicy enchilada--

* Oh, but wait, Kristina has been having trouble with her gall bladder. Spicy is out.

"Oh, okay guys, I've got it," I'll finally say. "How about pizza?"

And when there's a collective groan, I will run the people-pleasing checklist through my head again. We will eventually end up at a steak joint. Problem is...I don't really like steak. 

This problem isn't just about pleasing people, either. I will run the same gamut deciding what to eat for breakfast. It's a complicated choice, you know, what with toast and bagels and eggs and cereal and oatmeal and pancakes all vying for my love and attention. And when you add the complication of projecting into the rest of my day to determine what my other meals will be and how breakfast should balance out those choices and launch me into the day on the right food foot... 

Let's just say I end up standing in the middle of the kitchen and staring at nothing a lot. Or, if it's really bad, I will stand with the refrigerator door open. And that, dear friends, is a cardinal sin in my family.

But this morning was different. Gloriously different. I woke up before my alarm went off, and before my feet even hit the floor, I knew exactly how I wanted to start my day:
* With one giant chocolate chip pancake.
* Served on my bright green plate.
* Topped with whipped cream.
* Accompanied by a steaming French press of Zimbabwe coffee.
* Eaten while watching the sun rise red and orange over the Swan Mountains outside my window.

Ohhhh, I savor the memory even now as I write this post.

And that, dear friends, calls to mind another decision I made recently.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to live overseas. For as long as I can remember, I've known that God placed a love of other cultures and languages and peoples deep in my heart. That love has led to my insatiable thirst for wandering and exploring. But lately, I've been feeling God's nudge to RUN after this love and to immerse myself in it.

So, I'm running. I'm moving home to save as much money as I can in the next half-year or so. I'm enrolling in a course to get certified in teaching English as a second language. And then, come fall, I hope to be....wherever it is God wants me to be. That detail has yet to be worked out.

The point is: I know what I want.

I want pancakes.

Bakery babes

There's buns. And there's an oven. But none of my fine co-workers currently have buns in their oven. 

That really made no sense.

What I meant to say was: Ceres Bakery serves up incredible pastries, breads, and coffee drinks. I've enjoyed being part of such a great group of folks. I will miss the smell of warm bread and hot sweet potato buns coming out of the oven. I will miss listening to NPR at 6 a.m. I will miss all the conversations--both silly and serious--with Erin, Hannah, Liv, Heather, Melissa, Megan, Bente, and Sarah.

I will most definitely miss free coffee and day-old pastries.

But, it's time to move on. From this job, and quite possibly, from this town. I'm not sure about the timing on that last statement, but I know it's coming. I'm feeling the nudge to go. And that is never a nudge I grudge.

Smudge.

Fudge.

Judge.

Pudg--y. Always a danger when you work at a bakery. (And the truth behind my leaving comes out...)

The camera, the car, and the chocolate chip cookies, and that's all I need...

Today I grabbed my camera, drove to the river, and romped and stomped in the snow. Falling flakes tickled my face as I spent hours shooting photos and marveling at God's creation. When I got cold, I sat in my car, cranked the music (and the heat) and ate chocolate chip cookies. It was a great day.

Thanksgiving

Sometimes giving thanks hurts. In a good way.

When I strive to see all the good in my life, and, even more, when God enables me to see the good inside of the bad in my life, I become overwhelmed with this joyous feeling of awe and this incredulous feeling of, "Why me?"

Sometimes that "Why me?" is focused inward. I, as a sinful being, don't deserve anything. I deserve death and separation from God. And yet, God gives me life and life more abundantly. He gave his son, Jesus Christ, to die in my place that I might enjoy fellowship with Him--both on this earth and through eternity in heaven. That would have been enough, but then He also gives a roof over my head, food to eat and water to drink, two jobs, a loving family, supportive friends, thrilling adventures, and on and on and on.

Sometimes that "Why me?" is focused outward. I've seen heart-breaking poverty in El Salvador, Indonesia, Thailand, Laos, and China. I've seen poverty under the bridge just blocks from my apartment. I've seen it through the pages of my reporter's notebook and through my camera's eye in Seattle and Denver and New York. I've seen it when patrons apply for a library card and are rejected because they have no permanent place to call home. And yet, here I sit on my comfy couch, listening to a CD, drinking coffee, writing on my laptop and texting on my cell phone all while surrounded by my bike and snowboard and a closet full of warm clothes.

It boggles the mind. It hurts the heart. In a good way.

I am grateful, but I hope I would be willing to give it all up if God asked that of me like He did of Hudson Taylor, a missionary to China who sold all his possessions to give to those he was serving and live among them as one of them. Until that day, should it come, I will be grateful.

And I will be generous--with my money, my possessions, my prayers, my time, my food, my encouragement, my voice for those who suffer, my written words, my care, and my empathy. As it says in Luke 12:48, "When someone has been given much, much will be required in return."

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I hope you are filled not only with good food and memories, but with a sense of God's goodness and love.

Xie Xie

The beauty of hearing others speak their native language.
Books, which allow us to EXPLORE and SEE and UNDERSTAND.
Pumpkin.
Pecan.
Pie. My favorite in the whole world.
Pumpkin muffins,pumpkin crostata,pumpkin soup,pumpkin.
Whipped cream. Happiness in a can.
Ways to communicate with friends and family in AK, S'pore, WYO, Penn., Washington, SEAsia, Europe, TX, Nebraska, Idaho, CO, ND, AZ, Missouri, Kentucky, the Middle East, NewYork, and the like.
Spoons.
And bowls.
Lamps.
Joanna. Love you bunches, beautiful!
DaveSarahBeckyNathanJoshJohn. We go together well, and I miss you.
Have I mentioned pumpkin yet?

Thanks for sweet potato rolls and so much more

Oscillating space HEATers.
Grace.
Bobby pins, cause my hair is an annoying length right now.
Hair.
JOSH Josh. Our friendship keeps getting better and better.
Cameras.
My Grampa, who taught me to love photographs.
Lattes made with WHOLE MILK. Ohcreamygoodness!
Pans of warm, golden-orange sweet potato rolls fresh from the oven at work.
Anti-lock brakes.
Clocks, even though mine is telling me I'm about to be late for work and I haven't even begun to consider what clothes to wear...

Thankful for: A list

I'm a big fan of expanding Thanksgiving Day into the whole week.

Make that month.

Scratch.

Year...I mean...

Life.

I want to be thankful my whole life. Every moment of every day. But for purposes of this blog, we'll do this week. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Thankful for: A List

SNOW! sparkles. Briskwalkingthatmakesmefeelalive.
e.e.cummings, who reassures me it's okay to play with words.
Boots, hats, scarves, gloves.
My BROther. My SISter(in-law). My NEPHEW/or/NIECE to be. I can't wait to meet you!
Bikes and kayaks and snowboards and fishing poles.
Socks.
Mom and Dad and their no_strings_attached_love,love,love,love,love. LOVE!!!!
Cereal. I would be either very fat or very thin without it.
Lindsey. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. I love you.
God, always God. Because I am nothing without Him.

Who You love, I'll love

Music seeps into our souls and touches hurts, sins, and dreams that we thought were carefully tucked away, safe from scrutiny. It seeps in and, like rising tidal waters, buoys these hidden things to a level of consciousness where it becomes nearly impossible to ignore them.

We can ignore. And often we do. But sometimes, if we allow the Holy Spirit to lead us into the churning tide, we can pick up those sins and dreams and deal with them.

I come to this blank page this morning wet from head to toe. I've been treading deep water since the worship service at Fresh Life church last night. We sang a song we've sung before--many times--only this time I couldn't ignore it. Written by Chris Tomlin, the chorus goes like this:

Where You go, I'll go.
Where You stay, I'll stay.
When You move, I'll move.
I will follow.

Who You love, I'll love.
How You serve, I'll serve.
With this life I lose, I will follow You.

I'm not going to say what each line pinpointed in my life, but I do want to share a couple thoughts.

First, I have not been serving how God serves. I have not been serving much at all. I want to change that, and I'm asking to be held accountable.

And second, I have not loved who God loves. I have been feeling intense anger--hatred, even--for a friend of mine who cheated on his wife of ten years and their two kids. He wants out of the relationship he vowed to fight for. He wants out of love to follow lust.

I still do not understand this. I never will. But I do understand the words of the song. If I claim to love Christ, I must love this friend. I know there is a place for righteous anger, but what I've been feeling is not righteous. It is vengeful. It is wrong. And I need to say I am sorry--to him, to my best friend, to God.

So, I am sorry. I seek forgiveness, and I ask God to help me love who He loves.

Vandolvaded

Vandolvade vb: To vandalize someone's personal property; esp vandalism that makes owner of said property feel uneasy and invaded.

I've been vandolvaded. Yes, it's a made-up word. You must forgive me; I've been reading 'On the Road' by Jack Kerouac, and his free-wheeling beat prose is influential.

Anyway, back to the point.

My landlord called yesterday morning to tell me some bad news: "Your car was vandalized last night."

Me: "Seriously? That's weird. Is it the f-word or something bad I can't drive around with?"

Landlord: "It's just some stars. Seven other cars were hit, as well as a nearby house. The cops have already been here to take photos and do a report. You may want to call the police, though, and make sure they get your name." Pause. "I'm really sorry."

Me: "No need for you to apologize. Stuff happens. I'll go check it out."

"Just some stars" turned out to be poorly drawn representations of the Star of David. My star was on my hood, big and black. Now, I'm not Jewish, but I am a child of God, so I didn't mind the mark so much.

I did mind the Nazi swastika on the side of a nearby house, though.

I realize the handiwork in my alley was likely some youngsters raising a ruckus. That's pretty probable. Still, I don't think it's a good idea to mess around with symbolism that represents such atrocities--especially when my town is currently harboring three known anti-Semitic/white supremacist groups.

Yes, three. One is lead by a man who is allegedly connected with the murder of a U.S. District Judge's husband and mother. That same man was also kicked out of two other countries for violating hate speech laws before he landed here.

Two of the three white supremacist groups use the public library's meeting room to show videos promoting their perverted cause. They aim the First Amendment's right to free speech at library workers and law enforcement alike, threatening to shoot (i.e. sue) any challengers. And so, since the library's collection stands on the First Amendment, we are expected to tuck our tails and hand over the keys, lest we be hypocrites.

Well, I'll be the first to declare myself a First Amendment hypocrite. And I certainly hope our library and local law enforcement will do so soon. Free speech is not meant for those who threaten people and incite violence, those who walk the line so closely all it would take to make them do something punishable by law is a good punch in the face.

My brother helped me scrub the black paint off my car. It just took some soap and elbow grease. But I still feel icky and invaded when I think about it. And I wonder when this town will man up and fight for both the memory and the present and future dignity of not only God's Chosen People, but all mankind.

Writer's block

Why I'm attempting to write after titling this post writer's block, I don't know. I have already written several poorly worded, rambling leads to this post...and deleted them. I guess I write because I must. If I don't put some words on paper soon, no matter how bad they are, I am going to go crazy. And I'm really too young to pull of the crazy writer schtick. I'll save that for later.

So I write. I write badly. I feel badly for anyone reading this writing.

Why the block? you ask.

I suppose it's too much other stuff cramming my heart and brain. Worries over employment, money, my purpose in life. Sadness -- snot-faced, sobbing sadness -- over a marriage on the rocks that I would have never dreamed would be on the rocks. Ugly on the rocks. Idiot-throwing-away-a-good-life-for-momentary-pleasure on the rocks. It makes me sick.

It makes me write badly. It makes me cry in public places. It makes me want to punch and hug the same person...my friend who I love who is hurting another friend I've loved much longer.

I can do nothing. But love. And write badly because I must write or go crazy.

29 in 29

I live in the Coffee Belt.

Actually, I don't. The real Coffee Belt lies in the moist, mountainous regions between the Tropic of Cancer and the Tropic of Capricorn, in places like Central and South America, Africa, the Middle East, and Southeast Asia.

But pretend with me for just a moment. Just as America has its Bible Belt in the south, I think it has a Coffee Belt in the north. Imagine a strip of land straddling the 45th parallel. In that strip of land lies such coffee-charged cities as Seattle, Portland, Chicago, and New York City.

And Kalispell, Montana. I didn't move here just for the hiking and kayaking, you know. I moved here so I could imbibe in rich, aromatic mugfuls of coffee to my heart's delight. The Flathead Valley has not disappointed.

In fact, in a tribute to how freely the joe flows here, I decided to celebrate my 29th birthday by drinking 29 cups of coffee in 29 different locations. My friend Joanna took the train in from Seattle to help document the celebrations. We had a grand time on our coffee tour, and, honestly, we barely scratched the surface of coffee-serving locales.

So, without further ado, here is the photographic evidence of my 29 in 29.

 1.) Montana Coffee Traders in Whitefish. 10 a.m. Oct. 14. Coffee free. Left $1 tip.

 After Joanna stepped onto the train platform and gathered her luggage, I immediately took her to Montana Coffee Traders in Whitefish to begin our 29 in 29 coffee extravaganza. She was a good sport about it, lack of sleep and all. Gotta love her. After grabbing cup #1, we went to Glacier National Park to gaze upon some beautiful scenery.

 Lake McDonald in Glacier with mountain peaks peeking out behind low-lying clouds.

 2.) Montana Coffee Traders in Columbia Falls. 11:45 a.m. Oct. 14. Barista: Jody. Free coffee with $1 tip.

 3.) Ceres Bakery in Kalispell. 3:10 p.m. Oct. 14. Since I work here, I was able to enjoy this cup with my coworker, Sarah. Free coffee for me, as always!

 4.) Norm's News in Kalispell. 3:43 p.m. Oct. 14. I am joined by Kalee and Stephanie. Coffee was free!

 5.) Fresh Life small group at Jason's house in Kalispell. 7:15 p.m. Oct. 14. I am joined by Fred, Jason, Taylor, Rachel, Jennifer, Isaac, Amity, Heather, Rebecca, Julia, and Amanda. My good friend Joanna, who is visiting from Seattle, took the photo. The coffee was free :).

 6.) Studio C in Kalispell. 7:50 a.m. Oct. 15. The coffee is a Passionate Harvest blend from Zimbabwe. Superb.

 7.) City Brew on Highway 93 South in Kalispell. 11:42 a.m. Oct. 15. Free with a lopsided grin to boot!

 8.) Colter Coffee in Kalispell. 1:23 p.m. Oct. 15. I paid for this cup because baristas Jessie  and Heather are stupendous and Colter Coffee is one of my favorite shops in town.

 9.) City Brew on Highway 93 North in Kalispell. 3:47 p.m. Oct. 15. Free.

 Joanna: Seattle's Best.

 10.) Borders in Kalispell. 4:18 p.m. Oct. 15. When I first asked the barista if she could fill my itty-bitty espresso cup with drip coffee for free, she said she'd have to ask a manager. Corporate policy. Then an obvious inward battle began. Ultimately, she decided to rise up and fight The Man, filling my cup for free and smiling for the photo. Cheers, Borders barista!

 11.) Cowgirl Coffee kiosk in Whitefish. 4:45 p.m. Oct. 15. No drip coffee was available so I forked out $1.25 for a shot of espresso. I then promptly spilled half the shot on my friend as I prepared to pull away. Can we say jittery? (Sorry, Joanna. Thanks for being such a good sport!)

 12.) Super 1 Grocery Cafe in Whitefish. 4:58 p.m. Oct. 15. Free! The girl working the deli counter didn't really want to be in the photo, so we cornered Kyle here and forced him to let me sweep the floor and drink some coffee with him. Good work, Kyle!

 13.) Copperleaf Chocolate Company in downtown Whitefish. 5:13 p.m. Oct. 15. Free shot of espresso with a sweetheart of a barista!

 14.) Third Street Market in downtown Whitefish. 5:40 p.m. Oct. 15. I deliver bread here, so Heather was cool with me filling my cup for free. She may just be the nicest person on my route.

 15.) McDonald's in Whitefish. 7:25 p.m. Oct. 15. This kid not only filled my cup for free, he was STOKED to be in the photo!

 16.) Boiler Room in Kalispell. 8:30 a.m. Oct. 16. Joanna and I indulged in yummy waffles here for my birthday breakfast. I paid for this cup of superb Brazil blend. Cheers, 29!

 Yeah for birthday breakfast!

 17.) Wheat Montana Bakery in Kalispell. 9:20 a.m. Oct. 16. Free coffee with a special appearance by this sharply dressed military man! *Salute*

 18.) Bonelli's Bistro in downtown Kalispell. 9:35 a.m. Oct. 16.Free.  I deliver bread here, too. The boss, Tony, is on the left.

 19.) Jersey Boys Pizzeria in downtown Whitefish. 6:30 p.m. Oct. 16. Keesha was super nice and made me feel really special by brewing a fresh pot and filling my cup for free! You want some good pizza, go here!

 20.) Sweet Peaks Ice Cream in downtown Whitefish. 7:50 p.m. Oct. 16. Okay, so that's technically not coffee in my cup...but I figured a shot of espresso ice cream was just as good! Follow that with chai ice cream in a homemade waffle cone and some good conversation with great friends, and you know you've had an outstanding birthday! Thanks, everybody!

 21.) Syke's in Kalispell. 10:20 a.m. Oct. 17. It may look like a church basement inside, but they've got great service and tasty food. Filled my cup for free and I swigged it down with this cowboy enjoying his cup o' joe.

 22.) Fresh Life Church in downtown Kalispell. 10:40 a.m. Oct. 17. This is my home church, and I think it's pretty rad that The Liberty campus serves up coffee with its theology.

 23.) Cafe Espresso in the Kalispell Center Mall. 2:36 p.m. Oct. 17. A free cup from another stop on my bread delivery route.

 24.) Cardinal True Value Hardware in Kalispell. 2:45 p.m. Oct. 17. My "barista" was Kait, and, since the "Coffee's On" sign was lit, she gladly let me fill my cup for free. I hammered it down like a pro.

 25.) Spill the Beans Espresso, a walk-in/drive-thru kiosk on Kalispell's west side. 3 p.m. Oct. 17. Free. Life is good!

 26.) White Oak C Mart Exxon station at the intersection of Highway 93 South and Highway 35. 3:20 p.m. Oct. 17. The attendant was excited to help me celebrate because her 29th was in a few days! Cheers, C-Mart 29-er!

 27.) Pick's Bowling Alley in Bigfork. 5 p.m. Oct. 17. Kyle bowled a strike in my book by giving me free coffee with a great smile and an even better shirt!

 28.) Best Western Hotel in Somers. 5:32 p.m. Oct. 17. Free lobby coffee with hazelnut cream. The desk clerk said ours was definitely the most random request she'd had all day. Huh.

29.) Tamarack Brewery in Lakeside. 6 p.m. Oct. 17. Capped my 29 in 29 adventure with something a little stronger than the usual cup o' drip. That there drink is an espresso vodka shot floated in a pint of Switchback Stout (made with dark chocolate and caramel malts). Whoowee! Hello 29!